Consent and Boundaries: How to Stand Up for What You Want
Welcome to the Her On Top Podcast, Season 2, Episode 12!
The complexities of consent and personal boundaries take center stage in Kayla Moore's thought-provoking dialogue, where she invites listeners to reflect on their own experiences with saying yes when they truly wish to say no. Through insightful questions and guided reflections, Kayla encourages her audience to examine the relationships in their lives where they struggle to assert their boundaries. This exploration is especially pertinent to women, who often find themselves caught in the societal web of people-pleasing. The episode unfolds as a compassionate journey toward self-awareness, inviting listeners to connect with their bodies and emotions as they navigate these challenging dynamics.
Diving deeper, Kayla sheds light on the consequences of neglecting personal desires, particularly in the context of sexual relationships. She articulates how societal expectations have historically placed the burden of pleasing partners predominantly on women, leading to a pattern where many women feel compelled to say yes, even when it contradicts their personal desires. This habit can create an emotional disconnect and resentment in intimate partnerships, underscoring the importance of recognizing and honoring one's own needs. Kayla emphasizes that understanding and embracing the power to say no is essential for fostering genuine intimacy and satisfaction, both in sexual relationships and across all aspects of life.
As the episode draws to a close, Kayla leaves her listeners with a powerful message of empowerment. She reassures them that learning to assert their boundaries opens the door to authentic yeses in the future, enriching their experiences and relationships. By prioritizing self-care and personal agency, individuals can cultivate deeper connections and a more fulfilling life. This episode is not just a discussion about consent; it is a compelling invitation to reclaim one's power and agency, fostering healthier and more satisfying relationships.
Takeaways:
- Recognizing the difficulty in saying no is crucial for establishing healthy boundaries in relationships.
- Women often feel pressured to please partners, leading to saying yes when they truly want to refuse.
- Understanding your own desires and needs is essential for fostering genuine intimacy and pleasure.
- Saying no when you mean no is a powerful act that reinforces your self-worth.
- Learning to say no can ultimately create more space for enthusiastic yeses in your life.
- Empowering yourself to prioritize your feelings over others can lead to healthier relationships.
Go To reclaimingstoriestherapy.com to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation with Kayla if you want to dive deeper into these topics for yourself in a therapeutic setting.
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Resources:
Podcast Website: her-on-top.captivate.fm
Instagram: @herontoppod and @reclaimingstoriestherapy
Transcript
And I want you to think about where are the places in my life or who are the people in my life that I tend to have a harder time saying no to?
Kayla Moore:When do I say yes?
Kayla Moore:When I really want to say no.
Kayla Moore:Welcome to her on Top.
Kayla Moore:I'm your host, Kayla Moore, a licensed sex therapist, and I'm here to create a space for you to feel normal, learn and reclaim your relationship to sex and intimacy.
Kayla Moore:Each episode is going to be filled with us taking a deep dive into our bodies, our souls, and our oh so yummy sensuality.
Kayla Moore:I am bringing my expert knowledge on sex and relationships to help you experience embodied pleasure, satisfaction and connection.
Kayla Moore:Guess what?
Kayla Moore:Sex is for you and you deserve to get what you want.
Kayla Moore:This is Her On Top.
Kayla Moore:As a disclaimer, these episodes are based off of my clinical knowledge, but as I am not your therapist, please take care with all that is discussed and talk to your own therapist or seek out a therapist if you are wanting to dive deeper into these topics for yourself.
Kayla Moore:Hello, my lovelies.
Kayla Moore:Welcome back to Her On Top podcast.
Kayla Moore:I'm Kayla, your host and resident sacred feminine sex therapist.
Kayla Moore:And today we are here for another episode.
Kayla Moore:Today I wanted to talk to you a little bit about consent and not consent in the traditional way that we typically would talk about consent.
Kayla Moore:It is going to have elements of that, but it is going to be more grounded in how you give consent.
Kayla Moore:So it's basically consent and boundaries tied up into one little package together.
Kayla Moore:But let's start today with our kind of embodiment.
Kayla Moore:And if you are able to close your eyes, please do so.
Kayla Moore:If you need to keep them open for safety reasons also, please do so.
Kayla Moore:And I just want you to take a moment to step inside, inside of yourself, inside of your knowing, inside of all the things that make you you.
Kayla Moore:Let's take a deep breath together, in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Kayla Moore:And I want you to think about where are the places in my life or who are the people in my life that I tend to have a harder time saying no to?
Kayla Moore:When do I say yes?
Kayla Moore:When I really want to say no?
Kayla Moore:When do I say yes?
Kayla Moore:When it's like a maybe, but maybe I wouldn't really want to if I wasn't afraid of what the repercussions would be?
Kayla Moore:Who in your life are you caring more for their feelings and for their journey in life more than you are your own?
Kayla Moore:And how does that manifest?
Kayla Moore:Relationships are incredibly hard.
Kayla Moore: in: Kayla Moore:We are working with the weaver, dreamer goddess, and we are working with the energy of how do we have better relationships and more loving and boundaried relationships with the people in our lives.
Kayla Moore:And I think a lot of this comes back to consent and to boundary work.
Kayla Moore:And these are very important things to express and to know and to hold when it comes to talking about sex.
Kayla Moore:And it bleeds into then all the other aspects of our life.
Kayla Moore:So again, thinking for yourself, where in my life or who are the people that I tend to say yes to when I really would like to say no?
Kayla Moore:And I just want you to feel that in your body.
Kayla Moore:If you have a certain instance in your mind.
Kayla Moore:How does it feel in your body when you say yes, when you really want to say no?
Kayla Moore:It sucks, doesn't it?
Kayla Moore:Probably have constriction, probably feel like a sinking feeling in your stomach, maybe it raises some anxiety.
Kayla Moore:A lot of times we wish that we could say the things that we want to say.
Kayla Moore:But there are all these stories, all these narratives in our minds about what we think we need to do.
Kayla Moore:And especially as women, we are taught to be people pleasers.
Kayla Moore:We are taught that who we are, what we want, what our desires are, are not as important as those of the people around us.
Kayla Moore:And depending on what your relationships have been over time, whether it's with your parents, growing up with siblings, with friends, with romantic partners, you may have had experiences that taught you again that who you are, what you want, does it matter.
Kayla Moore:And I am here to tell you that that is not true.
Kayla Moore:What you want, who you are, matters.
Kayla Moore:You matter.
Kayla Moore:You were put on this earth for many different reasons.
Kayla Moore:But I think each of us has a sole purpose.
Kayla Moore:And I mean that as like a soul.
Kayla Moore:S O U L Our souls are here to guide us and to help us along the journey that we have already chosen.
Kayla Moore:And that matters.
Kayla Moore:We matter.
Kayla Moore:Taking care of ourselves, taking care of our bodies, listening to what we need, what we want matters.
Kayla Moore:So what do you think it would take for you to turn those yeses into no's?
Kayla Moore:And in doing so, we are able then to turn our nos that we have later on into yeses.
Kayla Moore:So let me speak more specifically to sex here.
Kayla Moore:So a lot of the time when I am working with women, and I will also bring this into the couple's work that I have done as well.
Kayla Moore:Again, oftentimes I am seeing women that say yes to sex in a relationship because that is what they believe that they are supposed to do.
Kayla Moore:Especially in heterosexual relationships, you know, again, women have been taught to please their partner.
Kayla Moore:And even in a higher context than that of if we are married, it's almost my duty.
Kayla Moore:I wouldn't even say almost.
Kayla Moore:I would say it is my duty to, again, please my partner.
Kayla Moore:You know, who has heard of the wifely duty to please my partner?
Kayla Moore:Now, I would say that both partners have a duty to each other, if we even want to call it that.
Kayla Moore:I don't know if I'd really want to house it in those terms.
Kayla Moore:But, you know, both partners should have a responsibility to themselves and to each other.
Kayla Moore:But society has really put it on the woman to be the pleaser in this scenario.
Kayla Moore:And so a lot of the women that I come across are saying yes to things that they really would like to say no to.
Kayla Moore:And again, I want you to feel like, what does that do to your body?
Kayla Moore:And I am not somebody that is out of the realm of this.
Kayla Moore:I have done this so many times in my life.
Kayla Moore:I'm still working on how to set boundaries for myself.
Kayla Moore:But it feels so icky.
Kayla Moore:It feels like you are giving your power away and saying that, again, I do not matter.
Kayla Moore:And there are a lot of people out there that can tell you that you don't matter.
Kayla Moore:And yet it's so much worse, actually, for you yourself to show yourself, even if you're not specifically telling yourself I don't matter, it's showing yourself that you don't matter through your actions.
Kayla Moore:And I don't say that to make it seem as though you are doing something wrong.
Kayla Moore:Again, we are all part of this healing journey together.
Kayla Moore:I just want to highlight that when we say yes, when we really mean no, it really does show ourselves and our bodies and our souls that we don't matter.
Kayla Moore:And it shows other people that we don't matter.
Kayla Moore:So what would it look like if you started believing that you did matter, that you did deserve to say no in a moment where you really feel like it's a no?
Kayla Moore:It's hard.
Kayla Moore:It's really hard.
Kayla Moore:And there are all the anxieties around, what is the other person going to think?
Kayla Moore:What is the fallout going to be?
Kayla Moore:It's really, really hard.
Kayla Moore:But again, if we come back to the idea of consent and specifically around sex, I hope for you that you have a partner that wants you to say yes and no and really mean those things.
Kayla Moore:And most of the partners that I have come across really do want to know, is my partner actually into this or not that typically partners, and I mean, meaning mostly male partners, in this sense, don't want a female partner that is just going through the motions.
Kayla Moore:They want a partner that is really engaged and wanting to be there.
Kayla Moore:And even if they're begging and poking and prodding to get this need met, is feeling like, I just need to say yes just for the sake of saying yes.
Kayla Moore:I promise you that saying yes for the sake of saying yes is just going to lead to bigger problems.
Kayla Moore:Because the more that we say yes to something that we don't actually want, the more resentment we tend to build up.
Kayla Moore:And it creates.
Kayla Moore:It can not only create more anxiety around sex, but then it can create more disconnection and a bigger gap between you and your partner.
Kayla Moore:So, again, I challenge you on what would it take for you to start believing that what you want and what you need matters, and that your partner, I hope, also wants those things for you too.
Kayla Moore:And so when we turn our yeses that we have previously said yes to into no's, guess what?
Kayla Moore:That frees us up to do it then turns those no's when we have said yes for so long, and then we come up against a moment where it is really a no.
Kayla Moore:And you are like, I am through with you asking me for this.
Kayla Moore:I am through with doing this.
Kayla Moore:I cannot handle this anymore.
Kayla Moore:I am saying no to sex or whatever else it is in your life that maybe you say yes to, and we get to a place where we don't even want to say yes anymore.
Kayla Moore:It's just a blanket no.
Kayla Moore:Now it's like, I've said yes so many times to please you, and now I'm just an absolute no and I don't want this anymore.
Kayla Moore:But if we didn't go down that path, if we worked on how do I say no in the moments where I really don't want something?
Kayla Moore:We tend to not get to that point of just being completely fed up and done.
Kayla Moore:And it actually gives way and room for yeses, for enthusiastic yeses, for a.
Kayla Moore:Yeah, that feels like something that maybe I would like to do because I was able to say no before and to honor myself, to honor my body, to honor where I was at in that moment.
Kayla Moore:Now I feel like saying yes.
Kayla Moore:I feel like there is room to say yes.
Kayla Moore:And that desire to say yes is probably going to be there more so, because this is a sex podcast and I am a sex therapist, this is definitely grounded in my work around sex, but this could really be applied to a lot of different things that happen in relationships and not even with a romantic partner.
Kayla Moore:It could be with a lot of different partners or relationships, I should say, whether it's with a parent or a friend or, you know, your relationship to your child's school, they ask you to do a million things all the time and you're always saying yes.
Kayla Moore:So we have agency, we have power.
Kayla Moore:And I promise that the world is not going to end if you decide that you are worthy enough to say no and to hold the boundary that makes you feel good in yourself, good in your body, and helps you keep the power that is yours to keep.
Kayla Moore:So let's end with another couple deep breaths.
Kayla Moore:In through our nose, out through our mouth.
Kayla Moore:In through our nose, out through our mouth.
Kayla Moore:And I want to thank you for being here today, for listening, and I hope that this is helpful in understanding for yourself.
Kayla Moore:Where can I allow myself to say no so that I can give way to more yeses in my life to help me feel like I have power and agency and control over what happens to me and I don't have to stretch myself too thin or I don't have to do something that I really don't want to do.
Kayla Moore:And in the realm of sex, I promise you, the more that you feel comfortable and able to say no, the more desire will be fueled to say yes in the future.
Kayla Moore:And we will talk more about that in another episode.
Kayla Moore:So with that, thank you so much for being here.
Kayla Moore:If you would like to work with me in a therapeutic setting, I am accepting new clients right now.
Kayla Moore:You can head over to my website, reclaimingstoriestherapy.com and find one of the many buttons that says schedule your free consultation and it'll take you to my scheduling portal where you can get that scheduled and we can chat about what's going on for you and how I could be be a good fit to help you in whatever space you're in.
Kayla Moore:If you would like to follow me outside of this podcast, you can find me on Instagram, at Reclaiming Stories Therapy, and at her on Top Pod.
Kayla Moore:And as always, I would love for you to just come back and listen to the next episode.
Kayla Moore:I hope you take care and I will see you next time.
Kayla Moore:Sa.
